365 Days of Gratitude: January 9th, 2013

(If you’re not sure what this is all about, please read the first post)

I’m grateful for:

  1. Having a husband who makes me dinner when it’s obvious I barely have the brain capacity to get a fork to my mouth.
  2. Receiving stuff I’d been waiting for in the mail, like my textbook for my Research Methods class and a big order of charms and findings to make jewelry for Birka.
  3. Everything being in that order, despite one side of the package being ripped open and the entire thing held together with just one rubber band.  I am assuming that customs opened it, but why didn’t they seal it back up???

And the person I am grateful for today is my ex-husband, Jim.

Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but hear me out.  Spending twelve years of my life with him taught me some very important lessons.  First, that I cannot hide who I am and try to be a person I am not just to make someone else happy.  I need to be myself and make myself happy, then having someone who enhances that happiness is an amazing bonus.

Two, that money really doesn’t buy happiness.  Sure, I miss not having to worry about paying the bills, eating out all the time and taking a vacation or two a year, but those things didn’t make me happy.  They just allowed me to keep the mask on longer than I really should have.  They made me happy on the surface, but inside I was miserable.  And yes, of course I’d like to have more money now, that’s why I’m ramping up my own business, but first and foremost I’m doing something I love.  That is what is really important.

Three, I learned what I really wanted out of a relationship, how I wanted to be treated by someone who professes to love me.  I need someone who will build me up, not tear me down.  Someone who will support me emotionally and not just financially.  Someone who truly believes I can instead of constantly telling me I can’t.  Someone who considers me a partner in his life and not just a checkmark on his life list.  Someone who truly loves ME and not just an image they have of me.

There are those who know my ex-husband who may read this and think I’m being unnecessarily harsh and bitchy.  But no one knows what goes on inside a relationship but the people involved in it.  And I take complete accountability for my own part in the failure of my first marriage.  I admit that I was a completely different person when I got divorced than I was when I got married.  At 18, when I first met Jim, I thought I wanted something out of my life that I now know doesn’t fit me and isn’t worth the sacrifices of myself and my personal identity.  And I’m truly sorry that I had to hurt people along the way to finding my true self.  I never set out to intentionally cause anyone pain or heartache, but I also cannot allow myself to be hurt just to protect someone else’s feelings.  I have to take a stand for myself.

And perhaps that’s what I’m most grateful to Jim for… he (inadvertently, perhaps) got me to take a stand for myself.  To admit that my life wasn’t working and I needed something different.  And to set out and make my dreams come true.

Oh, and of course to recognize when the right person for me did come along, and truly appreciate him. 🙂

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1 Comment

  1. Melissa

     /  January 10, 2013

    Seriously… it’s about our similarities, my dear. We really need to stop this. 😉

    Reply

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